We are living in a society that very often equate Love with Sex. Just look around you - the TV, the magazine, the movie, the radio, the advices from marriage experts…everything points to MORE Sex. It is as if by having sex with someone means you guys must love each other OR if you love someone romantically, you will have to have sex with them AND it must happen very OFTEN.
Sex does not necessarily mean true physical connection with someone. For most people in the society, sexual desires come from a primal instinct, a physical need, instead of a true intention to connect deeper with someone.
Sex has gradually and essentially become a way to bypass true emotional connections. This goes hand in hand with my last blog regarding Abandonment Issues.
We will be surprised to see that emotional abandonment is quite a common issue among people. People have become incapable of being present and honest with their true feelings. As a result, they are not able to truly attend to other people’s feelings and needs. I see couples that would start to build this invisible wall between them; to build this safety net of topics and limits; and to build this untouchable grey area in their marriage. Anytime they feel that they are getting close to touch that grey area, they will use their “distraction” mechanism: work, children, food, TV, movies, games, alcohol, sex…the list goes on. Subconsciously, the couple senses the disconnection. They feel helpless because they don’t know what to do; they feel agitated all the time; they get angry over the smallest discontentment; they are like a boiling pot that can explode at any moment. They would very often channel those pent-up tensions into their sex life.
A lot of couples in our society would receive advices from the experts to have sex often, to make sex part of the married life routine. After all, they believe that is the key to a healthy and long-term marriage. Even though sex is essential in bringing in more life into this reality, what I have observed or felt from the collective regarding sex is quite the opposite: people are under pressure to “perform”; they make sex become this habitual, dull and non-sacred behavior. People are not honest with their feelings, let along communicating their true feelings with one another. When that happens, people use sex as a way to distract themselves from the real problems, as a way for them to release the tensions and as a way to mend a broken marriage or relationship.
True Love can exist with or independent of Sex. True Love is the feeling of Unity within our soul. True Love is not possession; true love is above physical connection. True Love can happen between anyone - not just a man or a woman.
Sex comes in different shades: On one end, it is the most sacred form of union; it is the closest and the most concrete Oneness a person could physically feel. On the other end, it can become merely a primal interaction driven by lust, greed, anger or guilt; it can become a physical and mental “drug” that people turn to whenever they feel pain and suffering.
When True Love exists, Sex becomes an icing on a cake; sex becomes a spontaneous action of physical, mental and emotional integration and unification. When True Love is absent, Sex becomes an necessity; sex becomes a compulsive or passive behavior; sex is stripped down into a mutual masturbation.
When a person is emotionally disempowered, he or she would use sex as a way to appeal to the potential partner; as a way of “devotion”; as a way to hopefully “hook” the other person. When the partner asks for true emotional support, they don’t know what to do: they either become offended that their partner can’t be satisfied with only sex OR they will find excuses to avoid their partner altogether.
Sex becomes an emotional bypassing. To them, sex is a deep quest for real connection that they have never felt OR are incapable of providing themselves.
Our society has conditioned us to ask “why?” or give lists of reasons when we love someone; and never or rarely ask why when we have sex. It should be the opposite. True Love is causeless! Next time when you fall in love, do not ask why, just FEEL. Next time you are about to have sex, do ask yourself: “why?”
The key to a more fulfilled and happy life is to instill more awareness in every action you take. Just because it might be a same action, doesn’t mean you have to behave the same. Every day should become a brand new chance to Experience, to Feel and to Love!
